The Big Climb-Down: When It's Hard to Admit You Were Wrong

In the news last week, we witnessed D. Trump taking up an unprecedented and shocking position regarding annexing Greenland: trying to get his empire-building way with threats of tariffs and even military action.

And then he backed down, settling for a consensual arrangement around military bases that mirrors similar arrangements in places like Cyprus; withdrawing his threat of tariffs, and putting his metaphorical gun back in its holster.

But what about when we ourselves take up a position in a conflict and then need to back down? Why is it so hard?

Think of a fallout you may have had. Perhaps you and your neighbour disagreed about where your boundary fence should be, or you and a work colleague fell out because you had a different recollection of that away-day that went wrong, or maybe within your family you and your siblings have a big dispute about the care arrangements for Dad.

We take up positions when we feel that something important to us feels under threat. Importantly, the more we argue for our own position, the more we feel invested in it. Our position might be about something quite tangible, like the precise position of the fence post, or it could be more abstract: our reputation, our pride or esteem, or even our sense of self. Depending on the fragility of our ego, we can find it embarrassing, humiliating, even shaming to have to concede an argument, give way on a dispute, or accept that we got it wrong.

As dispute resolvers, we have to recognise this. Quite often, disputes become entrenched and prolonged because one or both disputants have built their defensive tower and probably cut off their own escape route, and they would feel acutely uncomfortable to have to concede in any way.

What we have to do is:

• Mutualise: help both sides see that the way forward is not about attributing blame and fault for getting to where they are but accepting (or just tolerating) that there must be a shared responsibility for moving on.

• Focus on the future: they won’t agree how they got to here, but perhaps they could agree how to get to a better place, starting now.

• Reframe: disputes don’t have to be resolved by a win-lose, where one backs down and the other does a victory lap. Help them to mutually focus on their underlying needs and interests, not their positions, so nobody feels as if they are the loser.   

And Big Don? He and Mark Rutte had apparently formed a ‘Framework’ of a future deal (which appears to satisfy neither of Trump’s initial demands). In a typical gaslighting way, he actually hadn’t back down, but without giving out any details.